time is running out

The semester is almost over. After thanksgiving there will only be one week left of classes and i will only be here a total of 11 days. Out of thost 11 days i have about 7 days to finish my photography portfolio, do my old master copy for drawing, my third portfolio for drawing, finish my last project for design and do about 3 labs for wildlife ecology along with the group project and semester long bird list that should be done already. AND on top of all that i have to work during buyback season, one of the busiest times of the year. I have no clue how im going to get all of this done, especially due to my problems with procrastinating. Luckily this will all be over on dec. 6. I have all three of my finals on dec. 6. Political science should be easy, probably wont even study for it…for photography i just have to show up and turn in my portfolio and help clean the darkroom…and for drawing i just have to show up to turn in my portfolio. Then all i do is work for a couple of the remaining hours thursday and a couple hours friday morning and I get to go home! yay! And one of the best parts is that Friday night i get to see Dane Cook in houston…and on top of that my parents will be out of town until sunday so i can just relax at home with no family drama or anything! It will be awesome. I wil be at home a little over a month which seems very long. But oh well, we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

just a tid bit

Erma Bombeck once said, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.” I like this. I hope I can do the same. The End.

a time to be thankful

I can’t believe its almost Thanksgiving time again. A whole year has gone by since last thanksgiving (obviously). A lot of things have happened in that time but one thing has been continuously arising in my life. One thing that took place exactly at this time last year has caused many struggles for me and my family. On my way home last year for Thanksgiving my mother called me to tell me my dads best friend Ronnie, who was like an uncle to me, commited suicide. When thanksgiving comes you are reminded of what you are thankful for. But what was i thankful for that thanksgiving? Yeah i could say “im thankful im alive”, but at the time i couldnt think of anything that was important enough to be thankful for. I was worried for my dad and how he was dealing with the situation and of course, i missed ronnie. I spent my thanksgiving cleaning an apartment and moving a dead mans belongings. Going through what i wanted to save, what we could sell and what would be thrown away. Finding things i gave him or pictures of me stashed in random books and cubbies. I never knew he kept things like a power rangers valentines card i gave him in second grade, or a christmas ornament i made him in preK. It was tough. I spent almost a day doing this in silence, afraid to speak to my father about what happened. I desperatly wanted to know what my father was thinking, ask him questions, but he was trying to be strong. Last thanksgiving was a hard holiday due to his death. It was a hard year. See, Ronnie had no family left so we were his only family. Therefore we were the ones who had to settle his estate and get him burried and such. When a tragic unexpected event like this comes up, especially during the holidays, it is a lot to deal with. As much as I try and remember the things i loved about Ronnie, or just the memories i had with him as a child, its hard for me to not remember the way he left us. I try not to think of the way he took his own life, or the way my father found him…i dont want to imagine what was going on in his head, but its hard. It was hard for everyone in my family. My dad had a ton of guilt. He told me Ronnie even mentioned suicide and death and my dad just blew him off like whatever stop being emo (not like my dad said that, that was my translation). In our family now when ronnie is mentioned an awkward silence passes and i wish it wasnt that way. Me and my dad were looking through photos we found last time i was home and in the pile was a stack of photos of my when i was a baby with ronnie. My dad told me stories how Ronnie was afraid i didnt like him and tried to do everything so i would like him better. He told me of some of the things Ronnie would give me or things he would do to make me laugh, and we laughed. Then came the silence. No matter what situation we cant stop thinking of how it ended for him. How he should be with us. It sucks because we want to remember him in all the good times but we think of the last year and his death and all the difficulties that came along with that for months after. It seems in the most bizarre ways we remember him too. My dad was watching a movie with surfing and he went on how he surfed 10 times better in high school then the kid on the show, and how him and ronnie would ditch 6th period everyday and go surf…and then i would see it in his face. He said the trigger word, Ronnie. Its amazing how much an impact this man had made in our lives and we never really knew it. Ronnie never knew it. Things are getting better though. Time will heal us and hopefully this thanksgiving will be much better. I don’t know what i will say at dinner when we have to say what we are thankful for. Usually i say somthing retarded like “im thankful im tall(and look at my short cousin, as if its pointed to him)”. Now i know what i should have said last thanksgiving when i drew a blank. Sure Ronnie was gone, and I wasnt at all thankful for that…but, I was thankful I knew him and I was thankful I had him in my life because i can’t imagine how things would have been without him.

the little things

I have always thought it was the little things that mattered most to me. It was the little things in life that made me the happiest. Although i already new this it seams i forgot for some time. Well i made this same revelation again…the little things in life are what make me happiest. What made me realize this again? Well, for the last 4 days i have been really sick and while i’ve been sick i pretty much just stayed home. I just rested, watched movies, listened to music and took it easy. And when i say its the little things that make me happy i mean LITTLE. Playing fetch with my dog and cat (yes my cat likes to play fetch with the dog) for about an hour…and not like hardcore fetch or anything becuase i was sick…i just layed on my bed and through the ball out my bedroom door and i would watch them run back and forth and it kept me happy and entertained for a whole hour. I watched a couple episodes of The Office and just laughed and thought of really random things becuase i was so out of if from lack of sleep…i would think to myself “wow, john kransinski (jim halbert on the office) is tall…i like tall people..oh wait im tall people”, and then i would laugh at my stupidity. I watched a little dane cook and just thought to myself “he’s cool..he’s funny…he’s HOT!”, and then i would think of all the other celebrities that are hot like christian bale and brad pitt lol. I would listen to disney songs and remember how when i was little my and my childhood best friend would dance and act out all the disney songs and put on shows for our families. Thoughts like this would lead to old childhood memories and how i missed being young. How i missed not having responsibilities, bills, and obligations…how life was just free and fun. Then i would start getting depressed thinking about all the crap that is going on right now in my life. But i knew how to fix that. I would just think of the little things again. The little things are what save me in my everday life. They take my mind off the pain or the stress i might be going through, whether it be sickness or family problems. Even if they just make me happy for a split second…its worth it. So thats what i did. I focused on the little things…i watched a brad pit movie (fight club! awesome!), i looked at pictures from the last couple of years and remembered all the retarded things me and my friends did, and just thought of people i missed and cant wait to see over thanksgiving and christmas break. All these things took me over and in a way made me feel better. Sure my throat still hurt and i still had a fever, im still flat broke and things are kinda screwed up at home…but at that moment everything was all right. I was calmed down and had no worries. I was able to sleep better too. The little things relaxed me. So i figure if i can just focus on the little things in life that make me happy all will be good. I guess it sounds kind of childish, and maybe it is, but it works for me. If thinking of dane cook makes me happy and stress free for five minutes, then i got an awesome remedy for my problems because honestly..who doesnt want to think and dream about dane cook! The man is like a living cure! and for that, he will have a specieal place in my heart… lol

Don’t talk, just listen

Have you ever felt like someone belittles your opinions? Or maybe you feel someone disregards your beliefs because they are not the same as that person? I can’t tell you how many times a week I feel as if every word I might say regarding my faith or political views might be used in some way against me in the long run. You might say its just paranoia or maybe some form of low self-esteem…I mean, I even used to tell myself that, but within the last year or so I have been recognizing a pattern. Lets say I say something having to do with my faith, certain people will turn my words around to the point where they have nothing to do with my original statement. You know what else I noticed…they won’t do this just one on one…oh no, they do this when there is a group of people around us, like an audience of some sort. They make a spectacle of me and my beliefs for all that are around us. Do people that do this get some sort of satisfaction from these actions? Or do they do this to take the focus off of their beliefs and the ways they feel people view them? I don’t know, maybe it is one of the two or maybe a little of both. This is beside the point. The fact is I can’t imagine acting in such a manner towards another person, let alone a peer or friend. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone, but at least have the decency to do it in a respectful manner. Just agree to disagree; it’s that simple. If people would actually listen to the views of others instead of putting up a brick wall, maybe they would learn something instead of making up their own bogus statements about the subject at hand. This is one of my biggest pet peeves: If I listen to you and take your views to heart, do the same for me….if I give you the time and respect, you do the same for me. If I’m telling you what I believe, don’t just disregard what I have to say. Don’t just nod your head and say “yeah yeah”. This is not what I’m asking of you. I’m asking you to listen. I’m not saying my beliefs to you to persuade you to feel the same and change yours. I’m saying this to you so you will know me and who I am. Is it too much for me to want you to get to know me and what I stand for? Don’t you want to know who I am?

my so called photography “thing”

I was at work a couple days ago when a customer walked in. She needed help finding a textbook needed for one of her science classes. when i was checking her out she felt the need to make small talk so she went on and on about her major which was, of course, biology pre-med. Even long after the transaction was complete she still felt the need to ramble on about her hopes and her dreams of being a doctor and blah blah blah (i zoned out). Then it finally came out…”so, what is your major?”… so i said it…”i’m a photography major..”. Once those words came out her face looked baffled…yes i said it…baffled (i like that word). She had no clue baylor had a photogaphy major, let alone, an art department in general. How do you NOT know this? There is a building that has the word art in it…even an 8 year old could understand that if there is an art building, art probably takes place inside. So our conversation continued. “What are you going to do with a photography degree? take pictures?”….honestly, what do you think im going to do with a photography degree? solve world hunger? cure cancer? run for office? If this girl represented our pre-med student body…well…thats just sad and it gives me little hope for the doctors of tomorrow. So, after staring at her as if i’m saying “did you seriously just ask that question” with my eyes, I told her what i planned to do with my degree. I told her of all the things i wanted to do actually. I want to travel, maybe own a gallery, own a studio, have a book published of my art, teach, work for a newspaper or magazine…or in fact have my dream job working with national geographic. She looked at me as if i spoke an entirely different language. She asked me why i came to baylor to be a photography major and i told her i actually was a nursing major as a freshman. her expression totally changed. “Oh well thats understandable…thats a REAL career.” At this point I’m beginning to loose patience with this pre-med/career evaluator so I say, very nicely, “im sorry, i would LOVE to chat a little longer but i must get back to work” (said with much sarcasm). So with her perky “im smart-your not-attitude” she said goodbye and left. BUT…as she walked out the door she said, “good luck with that whole photography thing…”(i’m sorry but i was not aware i signed up for a photography “thing”) and shut the door. As I stood there, staring out the glass door, watching this girl drive away i wondered…why do people, especially at baylor, seem to feel they or their major is superior to others. Especially business and pre-med people (not meaning to point fingers). I can’t tell you how many times when i mention my classes or my major to people they are like.. oh thats easy…thats just drawing..or thats just taking pictures…thats just “fun/hobby” stuff. You don’t see me going around to everyone i know saying ” oh your and english major you just write things”, “oh your a math major you just add things”. honestly, how ignorant can you be? Sure i’m not studying 8 hours anymore for an anatomy test…but you know what im doing now…im spending 20+ hours outside of class on a project in photogaphy or design or drawing. Yeah your right, I dont have a test to study for this week, but i do have 3 projects due that i have been working on every night for the last 3 weeks. Your right, I don’t take anatomy now so i dont need to know every bone or muscle in the human body…but i do have to know 300 art pieces and nearly everthing about them for my art history final. So next time you feel like underestimating the importance of my education and major lil miss pre-med, watch out, because i might just knock you out with my blow torch for my sculpture class. then we will see what you think of the so called “art major”.